Walking in the park on a sunny day Remembering the days gone by Thinking ‘bout all the things that I have done And want to do before I die I’m living on borrowed time I’m walking on hallowed ground Reflecting on this life of mine Reflecting on these truths I’ve found Be steady, Lend an ear, be ready,stay near, Be kind, be gentle, be loving, be true ...I love you You’re love. Yes, you are love Your love is all we need I’m love. Yes, I am love My love is all you need We’re love Yes, we are love Our love is all we need Getting exercise by walking in the park gives me time to reflect on what I am grateful for and what I have learned so far as we journey around the sun. I was not happy with my drum track so I hired my friend, master drummer John McColgan to record a drum track to my tracks remotely from his studio. His playing elevated this track considerably. The difference between you're love and your love is deliberate. Not preaching, just suggesting that love is the answer.
I don’t often listen to my own recordings, but sometimes they come up if one of my ipods is on shuffle. This one came up several days ago. I can’t believe that this song is pushing 30!!!! I was very influenced at the time by artists like Michael Brecker, John Abercrombie, and The Crusaders. I was a new father and happy in my daytime career which at the time was providing music therapy for children with Autism.
The album almost didn’t get made because I had many reasons not to but my older brother convinced me to make a list with him of pros and cons and lo and behold the pros won. It required borrowing money and taking much time away from my daddy duties and being tired much of the time. The record actually was profitable after about three months and was instrumental (pun intended) in getting me more gigs.
This tune is kind of interesting in that it is an 11 bar blues (hence the title “That’s Odd”). Blues form is usually twelve bars. It is Jazz music in a Reggae style within a Blues form. I hit three major stylistic influences in one shot. In 1995 I was a “straight into the amp” kind of guy. If I were to do this today, I might add a bit of delay and/or chorus between me and the amp. I think I might also write a lyric and make it a song and not merely an instrumental.
The Tenor sax player is Chris Savage, the Alto is Maurice Soudre, my buddies Jon Rehder and Charlie Guerin on Bass and piano respectively and Jeff Simons was the drummer. I was happy to have such sympathetic and supportive musicians for the project and am thankful that they helped me realize this record which was my dream.
Some days my observations and the world news is just too much and I just have to Rock! I may have been channeling Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues on this one. I like the cadences and the rhythm of the words and my wah wah pedal came out of mothballs. I put this on my album "Rockhead's Paradise" which is a bar I used to hang out at while I was studying Jazz at University. 1. Maggie picked a lotus blossom out of the pond they bulldozed the farm, now everything is gone. It’s a brave new world 2. Peter picked a pack of pickled peppers at the store laid 'em in the aisle and went back for more in the brave new world 3. Looking in the future, looking in the past looking in the mirror, nothing’s gonna last Into the brave new world 4. You listen to the music but you only hear the notes. The meaning flew right past you like the Holy Ghost But it’s a brand new world 5. Everyone’s distracted, nobody gets bored They all play the game but no one knows the score In this brand new world 6. Picked up a newspaper out of the blue I wanted to see if there was something I could do in this brave new world 6. Another dike has breached, the water’s rushing in The only option left is if I sink or swim into the brave new world 7. Onomatopoeia is a word you oughta know crash bang boom baby look out below in this brand new world 8. Another dike is breeched and the water's rushing in the only option left is sink or swim to the brave new world 9. Loan shark, birch bark, better build another ark but you embark, there’s no spark, leaves you sitting in the dark in a brave new world 10. Big loans, cell phones, everybody’s on their own Government is overthrown you leap into the unknown brave new world 11. been pissing in the snow, etching in the sand, the writing’s on the wall, why can’t you understand in this brave new world 12. The climate’s changing fast, the earth has been condemned Damn all those tornadoes ..Auntie Em … Auntie Em
I was meditating on gratitude and the words and melody for this song came together fairly quickly except the “serenity” part which came several days later.
I was playing what I had already while waiting for a class to arrive and just improvising the “chorus” when a kindergarten kid who had run ahead of her class burst into the room. This child was the exact opposite of her name. She could have been called “Precocious”, “Energetic”, “Dynamo”, “Calamity”…. but there she was …”Serenity” and I had the song finished. The kids all loved the chorus and sang along with me ah…….Serenity. One child asked why I wrote a song about Serenity and not her. “Julie” Lol.
I love the silence It lets the music shine through You love my music It's my gift from me to you From me to you......Serenity I love the peace of knowing You're here with me Being here with me And knowing that we are free That we're free.........Serenity Some battles can't be fought Some treasures can't be bought We've already been taught What's right and what is not.......Serenity We know our days are numbered There's no time to waste We've got to cherish every moment Savour every taste Every taste.........Serenity
I played my mum a recording of a song I had written and her comment was "What's all that squeaky sound?"(when the left hand moves over round wound strings there is a bit of squelch) This obviously distracted her from the intention of my music. I was feeling misunderstood at the time anyway as my wife at the time was squeezing me into the corners so she could shine in the spotlight. Most people within minutes of meeting me have a pretty clear idea of who I am and what my passions are. I am a "What you see is what you get" kind of guy and yet these two people who should have known me intimately were blind (and deaf) to the changes and growth I was experiencing. Both of them had impressions of me based on either who I was or projected who they thought I should be and in the case of my wife, also projecting qualities on to me that were not mine and were based in her previous experiences with intimates who could not be trusted. I am especially proud and thankful for the verse with the metaphoric imagery of me (my face) and a self winding watch back when watches were still a thing and some needed to be wound. The word play I love so much is evident if you pronounce the verb wound (ow sound)and the noun wound (oo sound) I didn't release this song (or perform it) at the time because I thought there was still hope to salvage what we had, but ultimately it was hopeless. I think the song stands on it's own outside of my experience because we all know people who "just don't get us!" How come you don’t know my heart? What makes me tick, drives my art Our time together we spent apart How come you don’t know my heart? How come you don’t know my soul? You missed my pain, could not console Couldn’t fill this gaping hole How come you don’t know my soul? It’s not your fault, you just added salt To wounds already gaping I fight the heat, deny, defeat That’s why I should try escaping How come you don’t know my heart? What makes me tick, drives my art Our time together we spent apart How come you don’t know my heart? I don’t hide my heart from my sleeve There’s only one of me to believe So which one are you asking to leave Say, what a wicked web we’ve weaved The portrait of us together on picture day Should look the same when we’re old and grey You still shine but I’m fading away Whose heart is it anyway? It’s not your fault, you just added salt To wounds already gaping I fight the heat, deny, defeat That’s why I should try escaping How come you don’t know my heart? What makes me tick, drives my art Our time together we spent apart How come you don’t know my heart? You can read my face but don’t misread my mind I don’t need to be re-defined Watch me close and you will find I’m the kind you never have to wind I pour all my heart into my song I know what’s right, I know what’s wrong These lonely nights have gone on too long I’ve been in the tower all along How come you don’t know my heart? What makes me tick, drives my art Our time together we spent apart How come you don’t know my heart? ©2008 IGH
This song is very personal. It was written in 2010 as I was struggling with a crumbling marriage, a mother being eroded by dementia and a career that was stalled by overworking and being underappreciated. Concurrently, one of my children was struggling to find herself and the other one was suffering from neglect.
The words came to me as I was wheeling my mum in her wheelchair to a park on a sunny Autumn day in Ottawa. I wrote it as she slept in the sun. At the time I felt that I was drowning and any personal serenity was unreachable and unattainable unless I started to swim. At that moment I stopped rationalizing away my situation. I knew my mum would die soon, my marriage needed to be ended and my girls needed more of their father and I needed to stop the hemorrhaging. Later that day, the arpeggiated chord sequence and the melody just dropped into my brain and fingers making this one of the easiest songs I have ever written (if you don't count the years of overwhelming suffering that went into it). The album "Too Blue" was written before, but released this year. The songs still ring true, but fortunately my life is no longer in such disarray. Lyrics: Disappearing Right before my eyes A way of life Before I realize Something’s gotta give 'cause I want to live Disappearing Right before my eyes Running from myself Cut me down to size Something’s gotta give I want to live Disappearing Right before my eyes Squeeze me out Something to despise Something’s gotta give I want to live Disappearing Right before my eyes Running from the truth But all I see are lies Something’s gotta give I want to live Disappearing Right before my eyes The change has got me Right between the eyes Copyright 2010. I.G.H.
I miss maps.
By now, almost no-one has maps (or gloves, for that matter)in their glove department.
I have had several recent experiences with GPS (and lack of….).
The first experience I will relate was when I returned my daughter to her new home about an hour north of Manhattan. My daughter was in the car and obviously knew the way, so I followed her instructions and we got there without incident. The return trip back to Canada without her was another matter. Both she and her husband gave me instructions (which differed….) and I set out, confident that I would remember the left turns, the bridge crossing and the route numbers, etc.
I got hopelessly turned around and knew I was going the wrong way when I passed a sign saying “Entering New Jersey”.
When in the US I turn off data and roaming etc. on my cell phone because I am “cheap” that way. One time I didn’t and my bill was stupidly large…. I am from another era and never figured out how to use my phone properly while travelling. My eyes glaze over when someone tries to explain stm cards and dilithium crystals and warp factors etc.
I found a café and got a coffee and asked how to get to the I87. They said “just check your GPS. I explained that I am from Canada and I did not have GPS (further propagating the myth that we live in igloos). The person then said “I’ll send you the directions by airdrop”. Great, I thought. I got her airdrop and headed out to the car confident I knew what to do. The instructions for the route back had about ten significant turns. The first three I had in my head, so did not refer to the air dropped instructions. When I did turn to them, the file wouldn’t open unless I downloaded some other quackery requiring internet and some password or the other…. So, up Shit Creek without a paddle again. I decided to proceed anyway. I saw a sign that referred to I 87 and turned. One turn just before I was supposed to….. Misled. There were two choices and I took the “road less travelled” just to spice up the trip…..not.
After several other miscues and inquiries at a doughnut shop (Donut in the US) I got on the highway pointed north and the rest was easy.
I miss maps
This morning I checked an address on my computer for a celebration of life that is in a rural area of Quebec that is unfamiliar to me. The initial map was a dot on a tiny sea of green. I zoomed out twice to see if I recognized anything (I didn’t) so I scrolled out further and saw the big picture which made sense to me and I have a clearer idea of where it is.
This got me thinking about tunnel vision which is the absence of peripheral vision. I realized that almost all of us spend a huge amount of time looking at screens and only seeing a focal point. It is like looking through a lens of a camera or a telescope or binoculars. One can see a part of what is there completely, or stated another way one can see completely a part of what is there.
Standing on top of a mountain, one can see a spectacular panoramic view. Through a lens, the view is limited.
Two weeks ago I went to Varennes to visit dear friends for the first time ever. I checked the route online and it seemed easy and direct. I thought that I had better check Waze on my phone to see which bridge or tunnel to take or avoid because they are always doing renovations to things on weekends. I put the destination in my phone and I took the Champlain bridge and the 138 east towards Varennes. I drove along enjoying the view of the St. Lawrence River from the southern shore. I got to Varennes and the Waze told me there was a railroad crossing ahead, but it didn’t tell me I was ‘there’. I drove about 10 km past Varennes and pulled over at the next town. Surely enough, Waze did not tell me I had overshot my destination. I then put the address into google maps and the annoying female voice that can’t pronounce French names got me to my friend’s home.
I miss maps.
This week I took the kids in my “Out and About”,(pronounced Oot and Aboot)(to further propagate Canadian tropes for American readers). activity to a small museum. The assistant for one of the children asked if she could drive there as she had to go to another job after the activity. I told her exactly where it was and that I would meet up with her at the statue of strongman Louis Cyr at the intersection of rue Saint-Antoine and rue St. Jacques. We, who had taken two city buses and had walked for another ten minutes, got there before her. She should have been waiting for us. She was relying on GPS instead of looking out the window. The name for Montreal should be “Detour City” because traffic cones and barricades pop up everywhere and send previously sane drivers into rubber rooms. This girl drove everywhere in further widening circles and had passed the spot we were to meet four times!!! Tunnel vision. Her trajectory reminded me of a Beagle which was once our family dog. Fergie (named after the Duchess of York….my father claimed “our Fergie had a better lineage”….lol) was the worst beagle in existence. She was so stupid (but loveable and loyal) that I saw her catch the scent of a rabbit and tore around ridiculously back and forth and this way and that while the rabbit, as cool as Bugs Bunny, was frozen in plain view. The bunny was camouflaged, but visible. Fergie ran right past the bunny within a metre several times..lol. Soon Fergie gave up without her prey (Royals have little work ethic) and the rabbit lived to see another day.
When we only rely on only one sense, or one source of information (the assistant with her GPS, the dog and her nose, or me with my memory trials and an app that didn’t do what I wanted it to). We can get lost.
People smothering their senses of the moment is another form of tunnel vision.
A young man passed me on the sidewalk the other day. He had headphones on. Not earbuds, but “cans” that completely enclosed his ears and he was also staring intently at his phone. I said to my walking companion that I felt sorry for that guy. My walking companion asked why and I told him that the man missed hearing the song sparrow, the blue jay and the chickadee that we had heard in the last 30 seconds, blocked out the jackhammer we had passed by and was unaware of the bicycle traffic he was sharing the path with.. My companion said he hadn’t hear them either. I said that he had heard them, but he was not listening for them. Hearing is passive and listening is active. Headphones dude was actively listening, but importing his own sonic reality and missing out on actual reality.
The more we stare at screens and dull our senses with entertainment, the less we experience the gift of life and the beauty and ugliness that surround us.
Moral of the story? Two choices: Glance at a map, but be here now? or stare at the virtual and be somewhere else?
I miss maps.
‘Hijack a truck” he says. “We’ll drive her across the continent and sell the cargo when we reach the coast. You do know the backroads?” Brothers Eli and Colton had hatched a plan to swap a trucker’s uppers for downers.
This is how it started.
At Joe’s Café the truckers would gather, swapping lies and popping the pills they got from Joey (another one, not the owner) to get in another 300 miles or so before pulling over for the night.
The brothers saw a rig pull in hauling four brand new 1957 Cadillac Fleetwoods. The driver, Mortimer (Morty) Hassock was making his first interstate delivery and as he entered Joe’s Café there were at least four eyes watching his every move. Morty chose an empty booth and ordered from Sarah a middle-aged waitress who looked and acted like she had been a part of this Café for centuries and there was nothing new that she hadn’t already seen. As Sarah retreated into the kitchen to deliver the order, Morty made his way to the John to relieve himself. As he passed Joey’s booth just before he reached the washrooms Joey enquired in a whisper if he might need some “helpers” to help him get to his destination sooner? Morty shook his head, no, but thought some more about this as he was relieving himself and when he emerged after washing and drying his hands he agreed to buy $10 worth of amphetamines so that he and his rig could eat more pavement and he could return home to his fiancé after his delivery in time for the Friday dance.
The tiny paper bag holding the pills was very easy to swap out by Eli who came to Morty’s table and made some small talk. He drew Morty’s attention to a very comely young lady in the parking lot and not only switched the bags, but managed to slip a sleeping pill into Morty’s coffee as well.
Morty got up after his huge “all day breakfast-$1.29” paid, and left a tip for Sarah and proceeded to the parking lot where he did stretching exercises for his neck and shoulders as he walked to his truck with Eli and Colton stealthily pursuing.
At the wheel, Morty was beginning to feel the endorphins from all those carbs and the sedative was also beginning to take effect. He popped a couple of the treats from his paper bag to counter this, and pulled out onto the blacktop.
Of course the pills had the opposite effect on him and soon Morty found himself nodding at the wheel. He pulled onto a side road and made a pillow from his jacket and spare clothing. He was out cold when the brothers pulled up behind the rig and approached the driver’s side door. Eli had a gun “just in case”, but it wasn’t needed as Morty could not be woken up. They pulled Morty out of the cab and covered him up with his jacket and left him snoozing by the side of the road.
Colton started the rig and pulled onto the road. The idea was to follow the road to a crossroads or a place wide enough to turn around with Eli following in their car. The road was getting narrower, and there were no intersections, so Colton kept on driving for perhaps thirty miles with the occasional homestead or farm appearing every mile or so. Colton stopped and waited for Eli to catch up and they both conferred on what to do with this “hot” rig. It was decided that turning around might not be safe as Morty may have been discovered by now. It was decided that Eli, who had a map would lead the way and they would take several detours across pretty wild territory until they met with a rural route marked as a county road several miles to the south of where they were.
There was only one problem with this road, unbeknownst to the brothers. There was a small bridge about 20 miles ahead that a car could easily traverse, but the width and weight limitations meant the truck would not be able to.
When they reached the bridge, they knew they could progress no further. Not only that, but there was still no place to turn around. Colton backed the truck up gingerly for about 200 yards and noticed a derelict field to his left that, if he was lucky, he could finally turn the truck around. he pulled onto the field and started the wide arc to finally get the truck pointed in the right direction. He was successful, but was about to rejoin the path to the road when his brother frantically signalled him to stop. Eli had heard a car rapidly approaching while he was watching the manoeuvring and had the presence of mind to drive his car out of sight. If they were lucky the passing auto would not notice either of them. The car was a police cruiser and it zoomed past them towards the bridge. Eli knew that the car would be returning soon when the police realize the rig could not have gone that way. Colton realized it too, and backed the rig up into a copse of saplings hidden from view to any road. He parked the truck and he and Eli sat in the sedan waiting for the cruiser to return.
The police did not see the hidden vehicles and vanished back from whence they came. Eli decided that they had to make a plan B. The truck was an unwieldy burden now and the police would be on the lookout for it. Plan B was to return home and wait a week. return to the truck and take each car singly to a town in the next state where they could be “chopped for parts”. Not the bonanza they had originally planned, but a decent payday nonetheless.
Eli marked the site on his map and the brothers returned the way they had come. They decided to go into Joe’s Diner and grab burgers and fries before heading home. Nobody raised an eyebrow when they walked in and ordered, so the boys relaxed until they saw Morty get out of a police car in the lot. Colton nudged his brother and they both skedaddled out the back door. Better safe than sorry.
Fearful that they might have been made, Eli pulled out onto the highway and they drove above the speed limit for ten miles. On their left was a long freight train running parallel to the road and Eli decided he wanted to get on the other side of it and raced toward where he knew there was a railroad crossing. Not wanting to be stuck at the alreay flashing crossing, Eli took a chance and gunned the engine, determined to sneak through ahead of the train. The car was going very fast and was about ready to make the left turn and hop the level crossing when the car blew a tire and careened onto the tracks.
The impact was huge and drastic. The fireball consumed both brothers and their schemes and the map. The truck was only discovered fifty years later.
Why not a miracle? We could use several right about now There are people that we love Whose company brings delight Whose lives have meshed with ours Who have made our hearts light Some are ailing now, some are failing now Why not a miracle? so very, very hard to face this landscape Beauty ripped from the earth Relentless bulldozer's hungry, greedy pursuit We could use a miracle A restraining order Cease and desist We're not ready for any of this The land won't ever be the same The land can't ever be the same The contours of the space We loved Forever gone, gone forever Smiles and laughter in the rear view mirror As we are dragged without a say Into this barren unforgiving space Of undesired decay This shifting shape of loss Of waking up to less Ripeness shrivelling Certainty wavering Meaning what was meant Remodelling intent Another bloody detour We need another and another and another daybreak There's much much more love to make Another and another and another birthday cake Where have all the flowers gone? There are places we have known others waiting to be shown Plucked from memory Banned from possibility Bitter bon bons melting away No sweetness here All joy and grief in a blender Return to sender We could use a miracle Why not a miracle?
In June of 2017 my attention was drawn to someone who resembled me in some ways…. the photo (which I can’t find) was a doppelgänger for sure. His name is Maxime LeClerc-Gingras. We are both from European ancestry, long haired with salt and pepper beards, (although mine is more salt now five years later).
He has what I view as an enviable alternative lifestyle. He and his companion Ann-Marie live off grid in the woods in rural Quebec and on his Canine Ranch he takes care of dogs among many other things including hosting retreats, offering dog sledding experiences etc/ You can read about him here.
He is very open about his spiritual journey recovering from addiction and his musings, reflections and meditations have been a source of inspiration to me and others (I presume) as well. Although I, myself am not an addict, my many years of recovery in Al-Anon from the effects of alcoholism on my life make me feel a kinship or brotherhood with this man who I have not yet met in person.
His posts are uniformly intelligent, compassionate and insightful. His writing about his wife Ann-Marie who suffers from severe migraine (as I do) and his writing about her strength and beauty despite this affliction gave me strength as well.
A short time ago he wrote this wonderful poem which I copied and saved. I was inspired this week to set it to music and have included my demo video (warts and all) to bring this lovely work out into the light of day. I hope you enjoy it and share it widely.
One of the lessons in a successful recovery and indeed for being a better person is “service”. Helping others makes us feel less helpless, less alone. Today with global warming; this awful pandemic; and being seemingly on the brink of what might be another world war, I ask myself “what can I do?” “”How can I help?”
Comment puis-je aider? J’ai longtemps cherché, Cherché qui je suis, Cherché le sens de ma vie, J’ai vagabondé, Je me suis perdu, Je me suis noyé, Pour un jour, m’envolé, Ç’a été long, Mais je sais aujourd’hui, Aujourd’hui, je sais mon destin, Je l’ai trouvé au fond de la nuit, Essayer, tant bien que mal, Souvent maladroitement, Être utile à mon prochain, Peut-être, humblement, Certainement sincèrement, Apporter un soupçon de paix, de réconfort, Alléger un peu le bagage, Marcher quelque temps, Ensemble sur sentier, Retirer un caillou de nos souliers,
For those of you who don't understand French, here is a crappy translation of his beautiful words: How can I help? I searched for a long time, Finding out who I am Searched for the meaning of my life, I wandered, I lost myself, I drowned, Then one day, I flew away, It's been a long time But I know today Today I know my destiny, I found it in the depths of the night, I try, somehow, Often clumsily, To be useful to my neighbour, Perhaps, humbly, Certainly sincerely, To bring a hint of peace, comfort, Lighten the baggage a little, walk for a while, Together on the trail, Remove a pebble from our shoes,
Shout out to my good friend Nathalie who helped and reassured me of my pronunciation of some of the lyric.